thursday listday

In the spirit of trying to think good positive things about myself, today's list is
10 things I'm good at.

p.s. (not pre meditated in anyway.)

1. Choosing good media. (books, movies, music) I feel like this could be less arbitrary than it sounds like it should be. Like some people just really have terrible taste... am I so wrong for thinking mine is superior? ha. -off to a good start.

2. Being witty.

3. Not smoking for 3 months. Which means, although I think for the most part I have no self control, there IS a smidgen of it in me.

4. Customer service. Although I don't really love to do it, i am good at it.

5. Changing things on a whim. Hair color, place of residence, style of clothing preferred. ha. I don't know if this is a good one?

6. Being empathetic. Not just having an empathetic ear, but truly caring about other people's suffering sometimes too much.

7. Speaking Spanish with very little formal education.

8. Exercising. Not that I'm super physically fit, but just that I really like doing it, and am usually pretty good about sticking with it.

9. Working hard.

10. Being open minded. But hopefully not too much.

This was really hard! I spent a long time sitting and staring at walls. All the while thinking about how my next list will be things I wish I was... or things I need to improve on.
Sad that I don't give myself credit. Like ever.
Are you better at knowing what you're good at?

poemday

this one is a story...

in the basement of that place, the echo-ey concrete,
the click clack of your shoes/sneakers no less on the floor.
The dirty, dark other rooms,
mysterious, and feeling like a scene from a cheap horror film.
first person filmed.
someone might scream in a minute.
No.
this is where my heart snaps and my head yells "RUN!"

this is not a horror story.
in fact, there is little, even, of suspense.
it is a measure. a test.
of my weakness.
i went down there in search of a fix.

fix nixed like a ton of bricks as your bag of tricks and your thumb and finger clicks. rub your chest quick, with Vicks. don't mix the licks.

its paramount.

click clack-your shoes
snip snap-my heart

and i'm still here.
i'm not running.
why am i not running?

i'm drinking you up,
weaving the threads,
tongue, cheek, teeth.
leaving the dregs.

its what i do.
YOU untangle the webs.

i am not good. i just wanted some of you to feel high.

and now the snow is here, stealing my spring.

thursday listday

10 Things I've Learned About Myself Now That I Have Time To Think About Who I Am.

1. Although I wore make-up almost everyday for the last 2 years I don't really like putting it on and.... I think I look just as pretty without it.
2. This is not newly learned- I like painting my fingernails.
3. I really enjoy live music and miss experiencing it on the reg.
4. I have no hobbies.
5. Living in this new town I have nothing to complain about, therefore nothing to talk about. I'm quieter and more content. I spend a lot more time inside my own head.
6. I miss speaking Spanish everyday.
7. I like having a 'crush' on boys. Like in middle school, if a guy was attractive and nice, he was your new crush. Its fun. And more fun the more mystery involved.
8. That anti-anxiety medication is okay. And that I'm not less of a person for needing it sometimes.
9. Nag Champa is my favorite smell.
10. That right now I'd rather listen to Bon Iver than almost anything else. Its weird how I recycle my favorites.

poemday

Oh. This basement is cold. Dark and dank
and all the things you'd expect a basement to be.
Darling, I was quiet before, but now I'll be frank
with you. You deserve the honesty.
I'm buried in this blanket.

I'm walking away from the scene. That car crash
disaster area; that dream I had of rolling and rolling
and not dying. Some mad dash
to the life I was looking for. The one with meaning.
Credit or cash?

Here I am now. The wind is talking to me,
ambiguously, subtly, the wisest sound
is the delicacy of the wind chimes. Chaotic harmony
Now, look at me! Crawling up, soon to be found
Walking and walking until I'm seen.

Simple question, Simple answer.

March 27
When was the last time you felt like you were on top of the world?

Its been too long since I have felt like this. Really. Right now I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Or I guess knowing something is going to happen.
The first thing that comes to mind is being in my car, alone, windows down. Some gets-you-high song is on and my hands are out the window and I'm singing. And something in me changes. I'm free and flying.
And this happens all the time.

thursday listday

5 people i would like to meet. In no order of importance or otherwise. This is also not "of all time" its just "right off the top of my head".


1. Justin Vernon.

Not because Bon Iver is my favorite band ever. They're up there... but because I recently saw YouTube video of he and another member of his band performing in a quiet studio, and I was both moved an attracted. I want him to play a song and feed off of his artistic energy.

2. Anne Sexton.

Easily my favorite poet. She broke barriers for women writers. She was open and flamboyant about what she wrote about. Its funny, because I doubt I would have been friends with her. I'm such a conservative person, someone who gets uncomfortable by anything outside my own comfort zone, the opposite is what I admire about her. I just want to study her.

3. Mahatma Ghandi.

His pacifistic approach to change is beyond admirable. Its clearly inspiring. I think i admire him also because he is so different from I. I'm short fused and with hardly a concept of self mastery at all. He said 'no' to his own human urges for the good of his community. I think conversation with him would be enlightening.


4. Jane Austen

I feel like I absolutely would have been good friends with her. Her books are among my favorite, I relate to almost all of her protagonists. I want to go for a walk with her. I want to know how she feels about the differences in our time and hers. If she's proud or appalled.

5. Gael Garcia Bernal

This one is entirely superficial. I don't think there's anyone more beautiful than this man. I'd like to give him a kiss, and find out about his quirks to humanize him a little. Maybe he can teach me what else I need to know in Spanish.

poemday.

hand out the window
out into the frigid air.
the cold tingling numbness.
the bite.
this is how i know i'm alive.

teeth clenched.
my jaw sore with the pressure.
fists punching. eyes angry.
the fight.
this is how i know i'm alive.

saying no.
saying yes.
she'll give in.
she's alive.

flower bursting blooming swearing daring to explode in her head.
a dance. a dream. a body ignited.
an ache. a wonder. give me something.

she is quiet.
she's found her peace.
a moment here... sitting.

breathing.

feeling.

crying.

here i am.
alive.