thursday listday

10 Things I've Learned About Myself Now That I Have Time To Think About Who I Am.

1. Although I wore make-up almost everyday for the last 2 years I don't really like putting it on and.... I think I look just as pretty without it.
2. This is not newly learned- I like painting my fingernails.
3. I really enjoy live music and miss experiencing it on the reg.
4. I have no hobbies.
5. Living in this new town I have nothing to complain about, therefore nothing to talk about. I'm quieter and more content. I spend a lot more time inside my own head.
6. I miss speaking Spanish everyday.
7. I like having a 'crush' on boys. Like in middle school, if a guy was attractive and nice, he was your new crush. Its fun. And more fun the more mystery involved.
8. That anti-anxiety medication is okay. And that I'm not less of a person for needing it sometimes.
9. Nag Champa is my favorite smell.
10. That right now I'd rather listen to Bon Iver than almost anything else. Its weird how I recycle my favorites.

poemday

Oh. This basement is cold. Dark and dank
and all the things you'd expect a basement to be.
Darling, I was quiet before, but now I'll be frank
with you. You deserve the honesty.
I'm buried in this blanket.

I'm walking away from the scene. That car crash
disaster area; that dream I had of rolling and rolling
and not dying. Some mad dash
to the life I was looking for. The one with meaning.
Credit or cash?

Here I am now. The wind is talking to me,
ambiguously, subtly, the wisest sound
is the delicacy of the wind chimes. Chaotic harmony
Now, look at me! Crawling up, soon to be found
Walking and walking until I'm seen.

Simple question, Simple answer.

March 27
When was the last time you felt like you were on top of the world?

Its been too long since I have felt like this. Really. Right now I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Or I guess knowing something is going to happen.
The first thing that comes to mind is being in my car, alone, windows down. Some gets-you-high song is on and my hands are out the window and I'm singing. And something in me changes. I'm free and flying.
And this happens all the time.

thursday listday

5 people i would like to meet. In no order of importance or otherwise. This is also not "of all time" its just "right off the top of my head".


1. Justin Vernon.

Not because Bon Iver is my favorite band ever. They're up there... but because I recently saw YouTube video of he and another member of his band performing in a quiet studio, and I was both moved an attracted. I want him to play a song and feed off of his artistic energy.

2. Anne Sexton.

Easily my favorite poet. She broke barriers for women writers. She was open and flamboyant about what she wrote about. Its funny, because I doubt I would have been friends with her. I'm such a conservative person, someone who gets uncomfortable by anything outside my own comfort zone, the opposite is what I admire about her. I just want to study her.

3. Mahatma Ghandi.

His pacifistic approach to change is beyond admirable. Its clearly inspiring. I think i admire him also because he is so different from I. I'm short fused and with hardly a concept of self mastery at all. He said 'no' to his own human urges for the good of his community. I think conversation with him would be enlightening.


4. Jane Austen

I feel like I absolutely would have been good friends with her. Her books are among my favorite, I relate to almost all of her protagonists. I want to go for a walk with her. I want to know how she feels about the differences in our time and hers. If she's proud or appalled.

5. Gael Garcia Bernal

This one is entirely superficial. I don't think there's anyone more beautiful than this man. I'd like to give him a kiss, and find out about his quirks to humanize him a little. Maybe he can teach me what else I need to know in Spanish.

poemday.

hand out the window
out into the frigid air.
the cold tingling numbness.
the bite.
this is how i know i'm alive.

teeth clenched.
my jaw sore with the pressure.
fists punching. eyes angry.
the fight.
this is how i know i'm alive.

saying no.
saying yes.
she'll give in.
she's alive.

flower bursting blooming swearing daring to explode in her head.
a dance. a dream. a body ignited.
an ache. a wonder. give me something.

she is quiet.
she's found her peace.
a moment here... sitting.

breathing.

feeling.

crying.

here i am.
alive.

poemday

whats more fitting poetry than poetic lyrics to a song.


"re: Stacks"

This my excavation and today is kumran
Everything that happens from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed

I keep throwing it down two-hunded at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
When your money's gone
And you're drunk as hell

On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load

Well I've been twisting to the sun and the moon
I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground

There's a black crow sitting across from me
His wiry legs are crossed
He is dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?

On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me

Bon Iver

nostalgic

With the promise of springtime and windows rolled down-music blared-barefoot... I've been feeling nostalgic. Maybe its boredom, regret, old age, but flashes of moments of time find their way into the clutter that is my head. Mostly ignited by music and smells.
*the smell of nag champa and looking at fancy rocks.
*a kiss on the roof of a church and "God give us love in the time that we have"
*side walk chalk and a temporarily vandalized skate park
*Billie Holiday a-blaring on the drive back from Park City.
*Listening to Iron and Wine's "Woman King" a hundred times on the the drive back from Salt Lake and feeling a self induced sorrow.
*"Wave of Mutilation" and being a rockstar.
*Orange juice and blenders.
*Cigarettes and a furry brown couch.
*rush of wind through my hair and swinging at bluff street park.

Are we these memories? These sparks of implacable deja vu moments when we are not here - in the world - but in our heads re living something profoundly beautiful. And who thought this is what we would remember from all of it? Just this fleeting, lightning flash of FEELING. Palpable. Taste-able.
And do you cry and wish to return to feeling like a hippie girl dancing and falling and high, but never really high?
Or you realize that you've felt this way the whole time... always had this sense of not being 'present'.?
That this is life. And growing old doesn't sound so bad if all of the beauty of it continues to flash and spark and undulate through the wave that is my thoughts.