With the end of summer drawing OMINOUSLY near... with its cold sock-wearing mornings, and its nights getting longer and chillier... and my not being socially allowed to wear white pants after tomorrow (that's the clincher)... I've come to reflecting. In April I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish this summer, almost none of which I even attempted. I can't decide if I'm mad about it or not because this is what I did do this summer.
-I read books and in those books I drank the sweetness of Dandelion Wine and smelt bumblebees and came to realize I was alive. I learned the history of Jesus from beginning to end and the history of the philosophies of men from beginning to end. I learned about an idea of Siddhartha and the completeness of a river. I was an elitist secretary in pre-depression Manhattan; complete with gin drinking and jazz clubs and flapper jackets. I lived so many lives in the hammock under the tree, or with a hot cup of tea on the couch, or curled up with a billion blankets on my bed.
-I saw the Shins and The Head and The Heart in Salt Lake with my sister and brother-in-law. And I was reminded how concerts are almost always way better in my head than they are in person, but that there's always a high, always an electricity at live shows that makes it worth it. And to be honest, that was probably the most fun weekend I've had all summer hanging with my sister and brother.
-I have taken all necessary steps towards an official 'divorce' and its been so freeing.
-After much studying and reading about health I have become a vegetarian.
-I've walked and walked and walked.
-I listened to a billion different genres of music which makes me realize an end of summer playlist is in order.
-I adopted a puppy and then commenced to give him up for adoption because the pug wouldn't let me keep him. I know. I think it was the only time I've cried all summer.
-I learned many many many many important things this summer.
2 of which I want to share with you... also two instances where my heart has caught fire.
- How after a lifetime of listening to my mind and deciding things with my whim and my thoughts and my brain, i have learned how to listen to my heart. And why it is important to listen to my heart and spirit.. I learned about how our brains our flawed. And how our spirits, if we care for them, are perfect. Your soul will not lead you away from truth but only towards it. Your brain is flawed. My brain is flawed. This was a hard lesson for me to learn... I've never been okay with accepting something that my brain couldn't accept and understand as 'logic'. It'll take me all day to go into this.. but just know in listening to my heart/spirit my mind has been enlightened. And sitting at church with the choir singing "I know that my Redeemer Lives" can catch all of it on fire... Its ineffable. But also, it was only for me... and you'll feel it someday too if you stop trying to figure everything out with your head. God is in your spirit.
-The second thing I learned was the difference between 'feeling' someone with your body and loving someone with your BEING. The right touch can send shock waves charging up the center of your body... Like a very quick and potent high. This might have been my deciding factor in choosing mates... The chemistry between us. But like any high, there's a point in which you have to come down and I came down to complete incompatibility in some cases. In others, a person I hardly recognized. Someone I wasn't even attracted to let alone the person I 'loved'. The reason, I felt them with only my body my whole being wasn't involved. Then "ZING! a resurrection!" This person whom I've always known and always to some degree cared deeply about, comes a long and with my pen in my hand, and blue smeared ink on my hands, and paper and paper and paper, and letters and letters and letters, my heart finds away out of my chest just to soar. There is a lump in my throat, and a feeling like crying from feeling to much. In my chest, in place of a beating thumping heart, he has placed kindling, and lit it all on fire. Its a feeling like home. Its not lightening, or thunder... its quiet... but its there screaming at your face nonetheless.
The difference in feeling is not in anyway able to be confused with the charge or electricity of the body. It is night and day. It is based solely on intellect which is 'of the sun'. Not the body which is 'of the night'.
This summer, I have fallen in love.. and right now, its only a daydream. But just you wait.
This post is more a documentation, for me, I've realized. Not for you. But thank you for reading it.