excerpts from a letter

Its snowing outside. The snowflakes falling like microscopic feathers, slow and weightless, taking their sweet time to join the convoluted white blanket already on the ground where individuality will disappear; they’ll become like a drop of water in a lake. Snow really is beautiful, and quiet and pure and glittery. I was spiting it this morning, because for a week the weather has been trying to remember spring. Warm days slowly getting just a bit longer, and moments when you can feel the sun trying to bake your skin. Today, the start of my five day weekend, was supposed to be spent outside, doing outside things… and I’ve been stuck inside, where my puny fire tries to mimic the sun.

Today I am useless. I’m boycotting anything productive. I slept, I watched tv. I spent too much time on the internet. I tried to read. And all day long I’ve had words floating in my head needing to be anchored and written. And I’ve sat down three or four times with the intent of doing that, unsuccessful, until I put your name at the top and your face in my head.

Speaking of your face in my head! You just called, and now I’ve got your voice in my head. The sun has sunk beyond the horizon, and with the darkness, I get a little bit of light with more of you in my mind.

How much longer? Time goes by so fast, but yet in so many ways, I forget that I’m not standing still. That I’m aging, as everyone ages. That the lines on my face are only going to get deeper and more pronounced, and that my body and brain will atrophy if keep just sitting here, waiting, without letting myself believe for even a moment that I am. Denial waiting. What am I waiting for, you might ask? Everything. LIFE. Beauty. Love. Something to write about. Something to make my heart explode rather than implode. Something to make my heart beat fast. Something electrifying. Something that’s neither black nor white but every single smidgen and idea of every shade of grey. Something to wake me up from this life I’m sleeping through. Something to motivate and excite. Something to ignite passion.. . I want to be on fire with passion, to be burning with it. And for that passion to be ok. For it not to destroy dream, or destiny. I want my mind to be light, alive with weightlessness. I want my mind to be a place where darkness isn’t welcome. I’m waiting for balance. I’m waiting for connection. Undeniable, magnetic, law-of-nature connection.

I sound like I’m complaining, or despondent. Truthfully, I’m not. I feel peace, and I see God’s hand in my life in so many beautiful incommunicable ways, more now than I ever have in my life. I have felt the sweet waves of The Holy Spirit permeate my soul more times in the last few months than I have ever in my life. And its settled me in so many ways, so why is it that I still feel like something is terribly missing? I wonder if this searching ever ends, or if it is life. Perhaps we are made and expected to always be looking for ways to fill our soul up more, as if here on earth it can never be and feel totally whole or full. Or maybe the idea of a soul mate being one’s other half is not so absurd.

End of summer

With the end of summer drawing OMINOUSLY near... with its cold sock-wearing mornings, and its nights getting longer and chillier... and my not being socially allowed to wear white pants after tomorrow (that's the clincher)... I've come to reflecting. In April I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish this summer, almost none of which I even attempted. I can't decide if I'm mad about it or not because this is what I did do this summer.

-I read books and in those books I drank the sweetness of Dandelion Wine and smelt bumblebees and came to realize I was alive. I learned the history of Jesus from beginning to end and the history of the philosophies of men from beginning to end. I learned about an idea of Siddhartha and the completeness of a river. I was an elitist secretary in pre-depression Manhattan; complete with gin drinking and jazz clubs and flapper jackets. I lived so many lives in the hammock under the tree, or with a hot cup of tea on the couch, or curled up with a billion blankets on my bed.

-I saw the Shins and The Head and The Heart in Salt Lake with my sister and brother-in-law. And I was reminded how concerts are almost always way better in my head than they are in person, but that there's always a high, always an electricity at live shows that makes it worth it. And to be honest, that was probably the most fun weekend I've had all summer hanging with my sister and brother.

-I have taken all necessary steps towards an official 'divorce' and its been so freeing.

-After much studying and reading about health I have become a vegetarian.

-I've walked and walked and walked.

-I listened to a billion different genres of music which makes me realize an end of summer playlist is in order.

-I adopted a puppy and then commenced to give him up for adoption because the pug wouldn't let me keep him. I know. I think it was the only time I've cried all summer.

-I learned many many many many important things this summer.
2 of which I want to share with you... also two instances where my heart has caught fire.

- How after a lifetime of listening to my mind and deciding things with my whim and my thoughts and my brain, i have learned how to listen to my heart. And why it is important to listen to my heart and spirit.. I learned about how our brains our flawed. And how our spirits, if we care for them, are perfect. Your soul will not lead you away from truth but only towards it. Your brain is flawed. My brain is flawed. This was a hard lesson for me to learn... I've never been okay with accepting something that my brain couldn't accept and understand as 'logic'. It'll take me all day to go into this.. but just know in listening to my heart/spirit my mind has been enlightened. And sitting at church with the choir singing "I know that my Redeemer Lives" can catch all of it on fire... Its ineffable. But also, it was only for me... and you'll feel it someday too if you stop trying to figure everything out with your head. God is in your spirit.
-The second thing I learned was the difference between 'feeling' someone with your body and loving someone with your BEING. The right touch can send shock waves charging up the center of your body... Like a very quick and potent high. This might have been my deciding factor in choosing mates... The chemistry between us. But like any high, there's a point in which you have to come down and I came down to complete incompatibility in some cases. In others, a person I hardly recognized. Someone I wasn't even attracted to let alone the person I 'loved'. The reason, I felt them with only my body my whole being wasn't involved. Then "ZING! a resurrection!" This person whom I've always known and always to some degree cared deeply about, comes a long and with my pen in my hand, and blue smeared ink on my hands, and paper and paper and paper, and letters and letters and letters, my heart finds away out of my chest just to soar. There is a lump in my throat, and a feeling like crying from feeling to much. In my chest, in place of a beating thumping heart, he has placed kindling, and lit it all on fire. Its a feeling like home. Its not lightening, or thunder... its quiet... but its there screaming at your face nonetheless.

The difference in feeling is not in anyway able to be confused with the charge or electricity of the body. It is night and day. It is based solely on intellect which is 'of the sun'. Not the body which is 'of the night'.
This summer, I have fallen in love.. and right now, its only a daydream. But just you wait.

This post is more a documentation, for me, I've realized. Not for you. But thank you for reading it.

recently...

-I can go hours and hours in a day without hearing the sound of my own voice, except to chide my little animals or praise them. I get so stuck in my own head. I get stuck in the right now. I get stuck wasting hours and hours of time looking up or listening to things that aren't real on the internet...or looking at or listening to art. Appreciating it ever so quietly with not even the slightest outlet of my own. I bombard my roommates with the 'happenings' in my life so as to almost document my existence somehow. I guess so that some human besides myself knows I'm living my life. That things happen to me.

-I'm not nearly so despondent as that sounded.

-I have a new animal. A little Australian Shepard mix. I named him Beam, no. not 'Bean'. Like sun'beam' or laser'beam' or for those of you schooled in the art of good music, like Sam 'Beam' of Iron and Wine. He's a bundle of fur and energy and curiosity. Sometimes I forget he's only been in existence for 2 months... He's so new to this planet! He's figuring out the limits and allowances of his body and environment. Its kind of beautiful, and sometimes patience draining. I'm smitten.

(picture by Whitney Johnson)

-I listened to the song "Miriam" by Norah Jones today, and it ripped my heart out. Both for the person experiencing the pain in the song and the person she wrote it to... Listen to the song, or look up the lyrics. Lately the position of the culprit and not the victim has been magnified for me. What if you made a mistake and no reparations could be made? Or if that mistake or years of youthful mistakes could only be repaired by years locked away? I feel so grateful that my mistakes have had only the most simplest of natural consequences, most of which were fueled only by my own guilt and anxiety.

-I bought Matisyahu's new album today and its awesome. I also got one, at the owner of Groovacious (the music shop)'s suggestion, called Super Heavy. Also awesome.

-I almost always want to go back to school. I'm bored too much, and a little bit obsessed with not wasting time. Will somebody please tell me what to go for? If I get a degree I want to use it!

-I want to collect and save every beautiful thing I see or read or hear.

-I want to create and write beautiful things. I get words and phrases stuck in my head all the time, or ideas, and I don't write them down and they get lost back in the current of thought in my head. I see so many beautiful things, the strange twist of the root of a tree, a lonely dandelion ready to be blown off into a sunset, the warmest of light spilling from a dark house radiating onto a dark front lawn, so many things and I don't bring my camera, and if I had it, it wouldn't look as arresting on film as it does in my head anyway. I envy your translation. Your ability to bring to art, life. You know who you are.

-I have a fascination with love stories right now. With love in general. I keep asking people I'm not close to personal questions like how they knew, or what fun things are part of their love story. Or if their heart ever felt like it was on fire. Or if they ever cried from too much feeling.

-I also have a fascination for letter writing. Its a dead art. And I'm resurrecting it. The closest of bonds can come from correspondence with ONLY a pen and a piece of paper. You should try it.

Atmosphere - You (unedited)

for the first time in my life I'm actually into hip hop and rap. Like can't get enough.
Not the hoes and bitches and violence and money rap.
I'm not sure what sparked it,  (I've been exposed to it all my life, but now its 'moving' me) listening its like def poetry set to rhythm and beat, and I envy the ability to write like that! What if there is a rapper in me trying to get out? Can you just see it?

recently..

-blog reading is a new favorite thing to do of mine. Its like getting to know characters in a book, mixed with the obsession our
generation has with reality TV.
-I have successfully completed one of my end of summer goals. I made something start to finish... A crocheted bag that I am
actually very proud of.
-I also just finished the book Jesus the Christ. Its an in depth study of the life and works of Jesus Christ. Its biased towards the LDS faith, (it is written by one of the apostles) But, without a doubt I'd recommend it to anyone. Its like a history text book. It leaves no question unanswered.
-my favorite spot in Cedar City is the hammock under our giant apricot tree in the back yard. Last night I ventured under it in the dark to eat ice cream and watch the last slivers of light peek their way through the transparent leaves. Its such a beautiful spot. I've fallen into my own head many a time there.
-I have an affinity for words. Right now my favorite is 'inmediatamente' which is in Spanish and it means immediately. But sometimes I just whisper it to myself because I like how it feels coming out of my mouth.
-I'm starting to have second thoughts about being platinum blonde. I don't want to fry my hair off my head.
-Yesterday I spent $15 at Walmart to develop a roll of film. Outrageous. And. As film goes, only half of the pictures turned out how I wanted them to. I still hardly think I'll make the switch to digital.

-just a few of the pictures.

Things I've Learned from My Mama.

Since its Mother's Day... this post is for you, Mama!

Things I've learned from my mom...

1. How to be pretty .I'm not talking about the inevitable passing of genes. Since I was a little girl I was fascinated by Mom's beauty regimen. We'd all come downstairs and sit on the couch while she'd sit in the chair, caboodle on her lap, legs out in the air, putting on her 'face'. The transformation and even the process was something intriguing to me. Her hair was big and curly and beautiful (still is) and her makeup always well done, and just so. She's always kept up with the newest trends and fashions without being one of those obnoxious trying-to-be-twenty Moms. She's never let herself go.

2. How to be kind. I can honestly say, my mom doesn't bad mouth people. I've never once ever ever ever seen her be unkind. She is compassionate and giving of her time and things. She's always been a prime example of a genuinely nice and good person. She gives strangers compliments, and becomes friends with anyone!

3. How to be clean. This one isn't something I'm very good at. But something I'm grateful to have learned. Growing up, our house was always spic and span spotless. Mom kept things so clean. She'd deep clean every single friday. Everything in the house was organized, dusted, swept and mopped. This is a hard thing to live up to!

4.How to not be lazy. My mom hasn't always had a paying job but she's always been a hard worker. We had a home cooked meal every night. Our house was clean and spotless, laundry done and folded and put away, the yard was always perfect, and along with all of this, Mom has almost always had a daily workout regimen.

5.How to be tough. Not from working out. Mom has always had some weird or normal health thing afflicting her. Ever since I was little I remember Mom having surgery for something or other. From the hysterectomy, to sinus problems, to a wrist surgery, and a knee surgery. Her recovery time was hardly existent, because she'd be up and doing things immediately after. She's cheerful and uncomplaining. She's stood up to the most painful of losses, the loss of a child and later in her life, her mother. She did not lose her self at the pain of it. She's a fighter.

6.How to be patient. As if having 3 kids and doing all of the above wasn't hard enough, one of her kids has social and mental disabilities. My brother, Bradley, the sweetest ball of sunshine to bless a life, isn't always sweet. And people weren't always sweet to him. My mother has withstood and stood by my brother and the pain and cruelty of bully kids and bully adults. My mom has had patience for NOT ONLY his disability, but the disability of human nature... She's not judgemental or vindictive. Only patient, and its something so beautiful to me.

7.How to be creative. Always Mom was making something. She has a gift for making something out of nothing. She was always painting ceramics, painting canvas, crocheting beautiful afghans, re teaching herself piano, and taking brilliant pictures,. Never in my life has my mom been without some sort of art project. Its such a light to grow up with... Who would I be without a deep and awe inspired appreciation for art?

8.How to listen to music. Music was not something we just had as background music in our house. We blared it and danced and sang. Mom always kept up with the times, and still does. We'd listen to music in the car and the house so loud and so fun. We each had our own music player in our rooms, and it was a requirement in our household to be cool with music.

9.How to be yourself Mom is herself no matter who or what's going on. She's does not censor herself for the benefit of the people around her. She is proud of who she is, and does not embarrass easily. (something I wish I was!).

10.How to be a good mom. If I'm half the mother she is, my kids will be set. She's dedicated her entire life to us, and, Mom, I want you to know how full and warm my heart is in gratitude to you! The longest list in the world couldn't tell it. You're amazing!!!


What has your mom taught you?

Force of good.

http://www.iamthedoc.com/

I saw the trailer to this documentary today. Just randomly happened upon it, and decided to watch it. I haven't seen the whole film, only the bits and pieces displayed on the website. I couldn't help but feel some 'stirrings'. My eyes welled up, and I couldn't stop myself from this weird and sudden out pour of emotion.

I'm sure the profundity of only the trailer is lacking in comparison to the whole movie, but it struck all the right chords.
A deep and intensely illuminated spark and desire in me to be nothing but a force of good. For every ripple I cause to be a sweet one. How great it would be to not just be a good person. But a FORCE of good.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Just that phrase inspired from wind or air or something. IN my head. FORCE OF GOOD.

Today I will start. Today simply by being 'impeccable' with my words. No more shit talking. (something that has seen a great improvement lately.) No more snide sarcastic comments. What would it be like to be funny and not at someone else's expense? What would it be like to bond over a mutual love, rather than a mutual dislike? What would it be like to stop being "anti"?

Will you try this with me?